


A thousand emotions unraveled one by one

by Stephano_The_Swords_Women



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Psychological Torture, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27255934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stephano_The_Swords_Women/pseuds/Stephano_The_Swords_Women
Summary: It takes a while for John to understand what exactly is happening, but when he does he can't stop the ever moving progress forward.A.K.A. I give John a sad background bc someone doesn't make The Hunger for no reason ok.
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Merle Highchurch/The Hunger | John
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	A thousand emotions unraveled one by one

The first emotion John feels after uncountable years of being the Ascension, no longer one but thousands and growing, is curiosity. Of wondering what exactly this (thousands of species run through his head, knowledge gained unintentionally through his, their, mission until their, his, brain locks in on one) dwarf thinks he's doing, what does he think he can achieve from doing this? 

The Ascension is unstoppable, nothing can stop it, can stop him, they're on their way to stop fate, to rewrite destiny. To stop unjust actions and to create a place where dissatisfaction will not exist.

(Hazy memories of Before flit through his head, as if he, they, just woke up from a long slumber and needs a minute to remember who they, he, is.)

He can barely remember being John, being himself, he's more and less than he once was, he and his plane and the millions that have joined them, him, on this journey are above even the gods, but in this instance, this very first moment in this room as he feels for the first time in centuries, he feels more mortal than ever. 

(To remember what it's like to eat and be full, to breath, to blink, to have a heartbeat and blood flowing and-)

He barely even realises what is happening, is feeling, as his mouth quirks up, it's hard controlling something he forgot he had. 

His second emotion he feels is amusement. 

His hand lights up as he is still trying to understand what is happening and he is away from the room and once more a body-less being. He is once more Ascension, he is more than one but he feels a disconnect from the hive mind that he has been a part of for so long.

He is John once more and he doesn't understand what is happening. 

\----

Again and again and again Merle pulls him into this space, this parlay, and each and every time he feels more and more separate from the whole he made, guided, led.

It's been so long since he has talked to anyone and in a way he misses the thrill, the feeling of standing on a podium and encouraging masses of people, of hearing the cheers, of feeling the pride of a speech well told. 

He was a speaker for so much of his mortal life that even as Ascension some part of him missed it. 

The time before he kills Merle gets longer and longer, they talk and question and tip toe around the big things and blast through the small. 

The third emotion he feels is confusion as Merle asks him if they are friends.

He thinks "yes, maybe, i don't know, i don't know what friendship is like after being this for so long. I've forgotten what it's like to be human and I don't know if beings like me can make friends, I don't know." As his hand bursts into flames and he's back into Ascension.

He's so far apart from what is essentially his child, children, that he can sense their agitation at his separation, at his thoughts and his individuality. He started a movement to the betterment of his world, his plane, of every plane, but he doesn’t know how it got to this, whatever this is.

He doesn't know what is happening. 

\----

The fourth emotion he feels is determination as he explains to Merle why he started this, how he started this.

He still remembers his original world, how it was barely hanging onto life. He remembers the fear of not knowing if this year would be his and everyone's last as he grew up. Of being hungry and sad and fearful most nights as he slept where he could.

He remembers those around him dying from incurable diseases, of hunger, even from others around them. He remembers being 20 and so, so, so tired of it all. Of the dishonesty, the absence of justice, the palpable feeling of fear and the knowledge of everyone giving up floating through the air. 

He remembers yelling at a crowd of worn down grey faces, his first speech. He remembers as life flew from him and into those around him, finally they have something, someone, to believe in. 

He remembers going from desolate town to desolate town, upgrading from standing on broken fountains, to small stages, to grand one's. Telling speech after speech as the crowds grew larger and larger and the world seemingly grew brighter and brighter, the people around him filled with hope to a better future.

He remembers becoming something more, something that he knew at the time would hopefully give him enough power to save everyone, ever. The power to create a planer system where justice and honesty and fairness were everywhere, where things like hunger and sickness didn't exist and children had families. 

He doesn't know when the Ascension went off the path he started, when the goal went from peace to power, but he's awake again and he can hopefully steer them towards the right goal again. 

It has to work. This has to work or everything he's worked for, he's sacrificed, will be for nothing.

\----

The fifth emotion he feels is sadness. 

He feels it as Merle looks at him and says he doesn't want to do this anymore after their clashing views come to head.

John wants to scream for the first time in forever. Want's to express how much this hurts, how much it cuts. Wants to tell Merle that he has hurt John in a way no one and nothing has done, not even his home planer system has done this.

Wants to tell Merle that the only time he can remember feeling anything like the Joy that Merle describes is at these talks. That his time as a human was filled with pain and the hunger for the betterment of his and everyone's life. That he became the Ascension before he could ever find what Merle is describing, the devotion to the goal, the plan, is all he has felt besides Hunger for centuries.

He doesn't say any of this, what he says instead is "I feel …. Sad…" before his hands are wreathed in flames and he is once again without a body.

\----

The sixth emotion he feels is frustration. Why can't Merel understand?

What he is doing is just, it has to be! He's doing this for everyone, for the future of peace! Why can't Merle see that?

He's…… He's in the right. He has to be. He has…. He's…… he's…….

Is he……. wrong?

The seventh emotion he feels is uncertainty. Followed closely by his eighth, fear, as Ascension locks on his traitorous thoughts. 

\----

The ninth is desperation as he searches for 20 years to find Merle, Merle's family, the Light Of Creation, anything. 

The Ascension's Hunger is clawing at his mind as it starves until it's done, done with waiting, done with him. John has disappointed it, he is no longer needed.

He doesn't control the Ascension anymore, and as it drags his consciousness deeper into itself, he wonders if he ever did.

The tenth emotion he feels is pain. It's what he constantly feels for 10 long years, never ending, mind numbing, body destroying, soul consuming, pain. 

When he can, he thinks about Merle, about Joy, about right and wrong and the goal he has had for so long that will never be completed. Did he go wrong when his actions caused his people to revolt from the natural order? Or did the wrong start when the consequences of his actions create the Ascension?

He knows one thing, Merle was right.

The eleventh emotion he feels is hope, that Merle is alright, that he and his family will stop the Ascension, that he might see Merle one last time, that his wrong doings will be fixed.

\----

The twelfth emotion he feels is relief as he looks upon Merle's alive form. His dark brown hair is now full of bright silver, his eyes don't shine anymore and he only has one, and his arm is now a tree?

The thirteenth emotion he feels in concern, what happened? It seems Merle feels the same to him and he knows he looks worse.

His skin has open fissure, that shine with different colors, that sometimes drip with black ooze when he moves. It hurts, gods does it hurt, but he's more focused on Merle, on telling him something as straightforward as he can when they're being watched. 

He coughs into his hand and a gob of shiny black slime covers his palm. He wills it away and continues on.

John moves the king and hopes that Merle will understand.

\----

The fourteenth emotion he feels is happiness, as Merle hugs him and tries to help him. He feels warm underneath the fear and panic.

"The Bonds! Merle Sever the Bonds! Th-" as he slips from Merle's grasp he sees the sadness in Merle's eyes and thinks, yes we are friends.

And then he's under again.

\----

When he comes too, it's too his body moving without his say. He looks through his eyes and sees Merle, Taako, and Magnus and thinks No. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm Tired. 

He fights it as much as he can, moving an arm and a leg and anything he can to make it harder. He feels the Hunger's anger at him, at his disobedience, but it's faint and doesn't control him like it used to.

He breaks his own arm as Taako casts some type of weather spell and the pain of that gives him a little control of his body. He falls to his knees and from his mouth spills dark slimy liquid. He coughs and sputters and feels the cracks spread wider as he expels The Hunger. He looks up and meets Merle's eyes as the three watch in horror as his body barely holds itself together.

"Mer-l-le… i' .. m soo-o-o-ry" 

John's voice comes out raspy and it hurts to talk and from their faces it hurts to hear.

He can't say anymore as the Hunger stabs into him, he throws up more of the black gunk, multiple colors are spilling from his stomach to the ground in a steady drip, drip, drip as time seems to freeze.

He sees Merle's eye widen, his hand reaches out as Magnus rushes towards him and Taako starts chanting. It speeds up and the Hunger spreads around him and he's floating.

He thinks he might be crying, as the Hunger uses what energy he has left to fuel itself. For what feels like forever he is nothing, is just floating in a space devoid of color.

Then he feels the spikes holding him fade as the Hunger focuses more on the fight outside and he sees his chance. He painfully and slowly moves his hand, he whispers a bardic chant he barely remembers, and a weapon cuts a small hole.

He reaches for it and forces it open, his arm punching through and he feels air, feels something and he knows he's found a way out. 

Two arms are free and he's trying so hard as black tentacles try to pull him down. John is so tired, so pained, but he still pushed through. He has never been physically strong, but he has always been strong in conviction, in determination.

He gets his head and shoulder out and he can feel his knee dislocate from where the tentacle pulls but he just grunts and grits his teeth and pulls himself forward, as always.

He looks up and something in him cracks open, all three are laying on the ground bloody. He feels something drip down his face and splat on the floor, a soft plip-plip-plip sound. He looks down and bright yellow, electric blue, and dark purple are splatters on the ground. A mockery of tears John used to be able to shed.

He looks back at Merle, Taako, and Magnus and thinks, I need to be over there.

\----

He pulls, and kicks, and bites as he forces his way out. Black bile spilled from his lips at every movement as bright color changing blood spills from his broken body. Merle's name and the thought of needing to protect is all that goes through his head.

He fights like a being possessed, like a man, like a mortal. He crawls his way towards them as the Hunger attacks his bstterd body, he drags himself over with one working left arm and right leg, leaving a trail of black sprinkled with other colors behind him like a demented snale.

He makes his way towards Merle, trying to think of spells he knows. It's hard because his magic is self taught and spotty at best, his world's magic was fading, like everything else. Schools were rare, magic schools even rarer. Everyone had to work, no one had time to learn.

He watches from where he sits in front of all three passed out bodies and sees the Hunger start to move towards them and thinks, no

He slaps a hand on the ground and whispers "protect, protect" over and over again, even when black spills over, when color drips into his eyes. He sits with half his body broken and leans on his good arm, hand flat on the ground as the golden shield surrounds the four of them.

\----

He's focusing his everything on keeping this shield up, as the Hunger attacks and attacks and attacks, as his body slowly fails him, as his eyes stay closed longer and longer with every blink.

He startles and almost drops the shield when Merle touches his shoulder.

"Hey Johnny Boy, what's uh, what's happening here." Merle sounds concerned as John sees Taako and Magnus come closer to the two.

"H-hello… Me-erl-e… th-e H-hunge-er is ma-a-d th-h-a-at i…" John starts to violently cough, black liquid now flecked with color spills from his mouth and onto the black slicked floor. Merle gingerly touches his back and supports him as he coughs. " … i don't a-agre-e-e-e with-h it a-anymore-e. It pe-erve-erte-ed my dre-ea-am, so my body is e-expe-elling the-e h-hunge-er from it, it's proba-ably a-almost gone-e."

Merle looked at John, as he kept the now flickering barrier up by prue will power and stubbornness alone as the Hunger screams in anger. Merle then turns to Taako and Magnus, who look worse for wear. 

Merle nods his head towards an almost dead John. Magnus nods with a thumbs up while Taako squints at John before shrugging. 

Merle grins before turning back to John, "Okay John i'm going to try to heal you, then you just sit back and relax ok?"

John just nods as Merle reads a passage with his hand raised, a holy light spreads and heals everyone Immediately. 

John's body knits back together slowly, his arm goes back into place and he stops bleeding. The sudden absence of intense pain forces him to pass out.

All he can think as he falls backwards and his barrier falls with him, is that he's so glad Merle is ok. 

Then for the first time since he was mortal, he falls asleep.

\----

He wakes up in fits and starts, his body not used to sleep, to rest. The first time he opens his eyes and stares at a white ceiling, he feels like he's disconnected from his body. A low buzzing sound fills his ears.

He sees someone come into view, the buzzing gets louder. He looks at the ceiling again and thinks it's moving before he passes out again.

The second time he wakes up, he sees Merle chanting something, he moves his eyes and he sees what looks like Taako running beside him. He thinks Magnus is carrying him but his eyes slip close again.

He doesn't wake up again until what feels like years later. He's no longer moving and he's in a bed. He slowly sits up, surprised that he still has a body at all. He thought that once the Hunger was defeated that he would fade away too, most of his body made up of the Hunger. 

The room is white, with a closed window and plant in the corner. 

John looks down at his hands, his skin is cracked over like broken glass but it's no longer leaking. The cracks are everywhere and they don't shine, but the color of them change over and over again. It doesn't hurt like it used to, for that he is thankful, but his time against the Hunger has left physical, and mental, marks that most likely won't go away.

He's so focused on bending and moving his fingers that he doesn't see nor hear Merle come in until he's sitting on the chair next to the bed. They look at each other for a moment, not knowing where to start. 

John doesn't know where to start.

It's Merle who says something first, as always. "You know John… it was a close call with you. When we beat the Hunger, your body started disintegrating, had to ask a big favor from the big man Pan." 

John looks back to his hands, his broken looking hands that still work like they used to, before looking back at Merle. The words come out of him uncontrollably, for the first time he doesn't plan what he'll say, doesn't second guess and make a plan.

His voice is quite with exhaustion, "On my planet people were dying from disease, from hunger, from each other. The oceans were gone and the beaches had turned to glass from the heat. The only time we could come above ground was at night and even then it was dangerous. People didn't go to school, everyone worked or died. I just wanted a change." John looks back down at his hands, were they clenched into fists without his notice. He uncurls them and continues onwards. "I just wanted to make a place where justice and honesty were the rules, not the exception. Where children had families and people didn't go hungry. I didn't…. I didn't want this, Merle. I don't…." 

He remembers what it was like to scrounge around for scraps, to go hungry for 3 days out of 5. He only knows there used to be oceans and beaches from half melted books, the acid rain melted most things on the surface before people moved down. People only learned how to read and count if their parents knew, if they had parents, or if the job they had, had counting/reading. Most didn't have the time to learn.

He remembers rising on a soup box and saying his first speech, he remembers his last speech before they make a break though with the Light of Creation. He remembers feeling righteous, knowing that they were on the right path.

He doesn't feel like that now.

"I just… " John lets out a breath of frustration, his fingers curling as he stares at them and thinks about his home world and every world the Hunger absorbed. "I wanted to confront these so called Creators. I just wanted to have enough power so that I could create worlds where misery didn't exist and people were happy." John smoothes out his fingers again, one at a time for something to do as he tries to explain what it felt like to be a part of the Hunger. The way his consciousness wasn't really there, the way he was more than one, was more them than him until that faithful parlay with Merle.

"When I created the Ascension it was meant as something that could help me rewrite destiny Merle. Where I could help people in all Planer systems! I don't know what went wrong but… it was harder and harder to think like Me, like John as the Ascension grew. Instead of being 1 thought among many, it was just 1 thought together. Like a.. a hive mind. I hadn't been John in what felt like centuries before I met you Merle, I haven't had a singular thoughts and my own emotions and my own body before that Parley Merle." Here John takes in a shaky breath and looks back at Merle, who looks like he's trying to understand and is half way there.

As John talks more and more with Merle about how the Hunger was never really controlled by him, he was just a figurehead up until recently. What it was like to relearn emotions and bodily functions. What happened in the 20 odd years Merle and his crew were gone.

Merle in turn talks and talks about what his life has been like. Forgetting and remembering and adventuring and living. Two children he's doing better with and a loveless marriage he wants to forget, Taako and Magnus so similar but so different. 

As they talk and talk and learn about each other the sun outside the window lowers itself down as the moon comes out.

\----

**Author's Note:**

> I'm having some trouble with my baby Consider This so i wrote this instead lmao, i have some other one's i'm working on so you'll probably see those before another chap of Consider This and i'm sorry 😔 
> 
> Tumblr: stephano-the-swords-woman


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